"welcome to the train fantastique. that's the fantastic train."

cta adventure! that's right.

i got on the brown line friday evening and heard, "this is a brown line train to kimballllllaboard." see how he did that? that's clever. but, for those of you who don't know, the cta drivers don't usually talk. they have a recorded voice that can say pretty much whatever. and usually when they do talk, they sound appropriately bored and distant.

so, of course, the excited-sounding driver made everyone nervous.

at the next stop, he said, "will all the people with chocolate sculptures please come to the front? i enjoy chocolate..." some people behind me were like, is he high? what's he talking about? and i sat quietly, admiring the chocolate sculpture the girl in front of me was holding. [not very observant, my fellow passengers.]

when i got off the train, the driver was leaning out the window [i'm not sure how it works other places, but on the el, the driver looks out the window to make sure everyone's on the train] talking to chocolate sculpture girl, all "why didn't you come up?" and she was all, haha, thanks, whatever. now, the driver was cute. i told him thanks for talking. and he was like, "there were chocolate sculptures!" but then he had to go. he was driving a train.

would you all still be friends with me if i dated a cta driver? and, do you think he'd let me drive the train? i'm just asking.

after the train left, i was walking next to the girl with the chocolate sculpture and asked her about it. while we were talking, i ran into a pole. it was one of those incidents where i wasn't like, "crap, i ran into a pole" - more like, "why am i not walking anymore? and what just hit me?" it's always a little embarrassing, though, especially with a stranger who might think i'm crazy.

faster! i demand it!

many of you know that i looooove the cta. really love it. but it's made me get used to taking a long time to get places. so i leave really early if it's important, or i carefully bustrack, or i plan on being late. and i bring a book. and my ipod. and a water bottle. and a map.

so, anyway, tonight i was waiting at the bus stop and realized i'd never make it home in time for grey's. and i took a cab. i'm not sorry. but, as is my wont, i was chatty. i breezily told the cab driver that i was taking a cab because i wanted to get home before grey's. and he was like, "i'll do my best!" then i remembered that i was paying him, just as he did some illegal driving maneuvers. and it was awkward, because i was like, "oh, it'll be fine! don't get in an accident, really." but i think he just thought i was being nice about the serious demands i make on my cab drivers.

i just saw a local political ad in which two kids are, supposedly, bickering like the candidates do. [i know, it's like - get it? politicians are childish?] then the local political candidate comes in and says, "i support this message, because as president obama said, it's time to put aside childish things." gratuitous obama-quoting aside, i say - do you know you're quoting THE BIBLE, there, local candidate?

some of you will be proud to know that tonight, i learned that it can be enjoyable to walk a dog. but i also narrated the entire walk, out loud, as if i were talking to a person.

consumer reports.

had some nice consumer experiences tonight.

first, did everyone know that you can regular mail things from the ups store? changed my life. and i think the girl there was actually happy to be able to help me with it. i felt it.

cried a little walking along listening to this american life about these transgender kids. guys. they can't even SAY transgender because they are JUST BABIES. sigh.

trying out mike birbiglia on the blogroll, because i have now heard TWO the moth stories from him and they are BOTH excellent. that's all it takes, guys.

at the grocery store - don't you love it when stuff you were already going to buy is coincidentally on sale?

b: [awkwardly stands in the coffee aisle]
coffee grinding man: lots of choices, hmm?
b: no, i mean - coffee filters?
cgm: [points at "COFFEE FILTERS IN AISLE #6" sign above his head]
b: oh, haha, you're like, look at the sign! guess i wasn't the first one to be confused...
cgm: [shrug]

it's like he was going to be friendly, until he found out i was kind of an idiot.

then i had some hard times finding wheat germ. turns out it's in the cereal aisle. do people eat this stuff like cereal? or ON cereal? i needed it for a RECIPE, see.

okay, fine. i'm making my own granola. but all my clothes are still store-bought, guys.

"if i could FIND YOU NOW..."

got a delicious burrito today. and yesterday. yesterday, they cooked the outside of the burrito on a big grill, the rice was yellow and delicious, and the man said "claaaaaro que si" when i asked him if he had any salsa for me. [i find the spanish language, in general, charming. i think it would be different if i were actually good at speaking it.] today, there was no rice, i got chipotle flavor and fat-free black beans [whatever], and the burrito was really spicy and delicious. i was a little disturbed, though, when the guy taking my order didn't speak spanish. then i was a little disturbed about being disturbed. [i was meta-disturbed.] anyway, did i mention that it was delicious?

as i got off the bus, a neighbor with his dog may have seen me do air drums to this song. am i a fifteen-year-old boy on the inside? maybe.



but THEN, on the way home from the bus, walking got very treacherous. but only in some spots. my theory is that something under the sidewalk is making only some spots melt and then refreeze, but under the snow. [i should have been a scientist.] so, every ten steps or so, i'd unexpectedly and suddenly lose my balance and have to catch myself. but then, all of a sudden, i just BIT IT. it was one of those falls where i didn't even rememeber thinking, "oh, shit, i'm falliiiiiiiinnnnnngggg..." nope, no slow motion at all. just BAM and, "hey, why the hell am i on my back on the ground? and why's there all this snow on me?"

it was unrelated to the air drums, just so you all know. i had already moved on to being distracted by a little kid and his cars-themed one-shoulder backpack.

so i recovered by rocking out to this new find, which i love.



yes, my brother got an electric drum set for christmas and played along with his ipod for like three days straight. why do you ask? does it seem like i've spent a lot of TIME with him recently?

:)

breakstone's fat free sour cream is totally the diet dr. pepper of dairy products. seriously, those guys have CRACKED the diet technology. how do they make it so good? and do you think they'll ever make ice cream?

"it's jimmy 'santa' clausen and golden 'frankincense and myrrh' tate..."

watching the game, playing around on my laptop [three laptops and four family members in here], waiting for brother to get home from the base so christmas can start...

--

if you've got some time, i'm kind of into this new yorker article about elevators. introduced to me, randomly in the middle of a gchat, with "this article is FASCINATING." i was like, really? but it IS.

In the old system—board elevator, press button—you have an illusion of control; elevator manufacturers have sought to trick the passengers into thinking they’re driving the conveyance. In most elevators, at least in any built or installed since the early nineties, the door-close button doesn’t work. It is there mainly to make you think it works. (It does work if, say, a fireman needs to take control. But you need a key, and a fire, to do that.) Once you know this, it can be illuminating to watch people compulsively press the door-close button. That the door eventually closes reinforces their belief in the button’s power. It’s a little like prayer.

ohhhh. this is totally up my alley. i took a social psychology class once. i KNOW.

and now, an overview of my favorite and least favorite elevators.
1. the elevator in pip's old building. too fast. made me want to puke. thanks for moving, pip.
2. the elevator in the library in college also made me want to puke. not as much when i used to take it from the first to the second floor. WHAT? that was a really, really long staircase.
3. the elevator in my dorm in college. SO FREAKING SLOW. i moved to the top floor just so i could take it without guilt. [on rereading - does that make sense? we'd all glare at the non-top-floor girls who took the elevator, because it took forever to open and close.]
4. the adventure i had in the sears tower, trying to get to an office on the 60-somethingth floor. first, you have to get on the right elevator on the first floor. then, you have to take three different elevators. they're all around corners. you have to keep getting off one elevator and getting on another one. it's really difficult. possibly to keep the rifraff out?

on the moth podcast recently, there was a really sweet story on the moth podcast that involved an incident of making out in a stopped elevator, which stopped all the other elevators in the building and showed the maker-outers on elevator cam in the lobby. so awesome. [looked it up - the story is "what goes up," by katherine russell rich, and it was on the podcast on 12/01/08. and you can still get it! go!]

--

from slate, in my browsing tonight:
- have you all seen this guy, who writes about "bogus trends"? i feel like he's actually writing about, you know, bad writing. not checking your facts, using lots of generalizations - i'd like to use it in class, actually. [none of my reporter friends would ever write something like this.]
- a little action about the name of jesus. lots of talk about greek and aramaic and the difference between i, y, and j. nicely done.
- related to a previous post, from dear prudie - "According to sociologist Kathleen Bogle, author of Hooking Up, once people who've only hooked up graduate from college, they do start dating one person at a time, but since some have never even been on a single date, they're as clumsy at it as high-school freshmen." [she's giving advice on a girl who's been hooking up with a friend - should she tell him how she feels? should they stop hooking up? wow, what a new and interesting situation! BOGUS.]

--

and now, a heartwarming christmas story.

brother and i went out to get some groceries for tomorrow. discovered that all the grocery stores are closed here in middle america. hmmm. we needed ingredients to make appetizers. [oh no! a christmas crisis!] so we went to the convenience store and, just for you all, had an awkward conversation with the [female, 20-ish] cashier.

b: [checking out with hot dogs, pita chips, cream cheese, and sam adams] yeah, we're playing a game called "what real food can we make out of things we can buy here."
c: have you ever played the game circle of death? with drinking?
b: ... YES.
c: yeah. that's fun.

i had to pause a minute to collect my thoughts. i said something about the random food i was buying, and she asked me about a drinking game? that i might play later, with my sam adams? she wanted to suggest a drinking game i could play, while eating hot dogs with pita chips and cream cheese?

maybe she didn't understand the "we're playing a game called..." turn of phrase. do i use that too much? hmmm.

also, one of the other guys working there [they had way too many people working for christmas eve, i'll tell you what] let me try the difference between "egg nog" and "holiday nog." as far as i can tell, the difference is that the holiday nog tastes sort of like banana.

cursing, acting cool. winning friends and influencing people.

written on the door of the bathroom at the bar last night, each line in different handwriting:

TRUST
issues
yes.
but it's ok.

nice, hmm? mutual support, in the ladies' room. i like it.

in contrast, written into the cement on the sidewalk on the way to my apartment from the train:

FUCK YOU
YOU FUCKING
FUCK.

i'm always like, well... if that's how you feel...

anyway, hadn't been to this particular bar since i started this post [quoted below]. and, coincidentally, just found it.

bitter, bitter debate at the bar this weekend over whether snuffleupagus is real or imaginary. turns out there's a whole story about how only big bird can see him and no one believes he exists [imaginary friend, guys!], but then big bird proves he's real after all. so i think i was RIGHT. that he's imaginary. ha.

impressed a stranger last night by ordering the dogfish head 90 minute IPA. thanks, beer club. you know how you always want to have those things that you can order, or listen to, or read, or casually drop in conversation so that people will think you're cool? YEAH, you do. don't lie.

things this makes me think of...
1. my favorite episode of friends ["the one with the embryos," which i've apparently already blogged about], the one where the girls lose the apartment in the trivia game with the boys.

ross: rachel claims that THIS is her favorite movie.
chandler: dangerous liasons.
ross: her ACTUAL favorite movie is...
joey: [points at rachel] weekend at bernie's!

2. my favorite band. and being called out for liking them. i don't even care. COUNTING CROWS RULE ALL.
3. the other day, at trader joe's, the checkout guy was all, "you listening to any good music?" because i was doing my new favorite thing where i put my headphones inside my scarf so they're conveniently close to my head, even when i'm not listening to them. and instead of being all cool and starting a conversation about something cool, i decided to tell the TRUTH. ah, the truth.

tjcg: you listening to any good music?
b: um... ahh... actually, the prairie home companion podcast... [shut up. it is FUNNY. and no, i am not 55 years old.]
tjcg: [all polite] oh, yeah? what is that?
b: it's like, garrison keillor... it's a radio show on npr... and he has, like, a funny monologue...
tjcg: isn't there a movie about it? what's the movie about, then?
b: [blanking] i think it's about... making the show, or something...

seriously, one of the MOST awkward conversations i've ever had. especially since i've SEEN the movie. and i can tell you that it's about the variety show "a prairie home companion," on npr. and the podcast is garrison keillor's "news from lake wobegon," in which he uses dry humor and makes fun of people who live in the northern midwest.

i think it was so awkward because i immediately wished i had lied. and said i was listening to... hmm. any ideas?

it's the FUTURE.

you know what i love, on friends? [you're all like, "besides EVERYTHING?"] i love it when someone is all indignant, like, "WHAT?!" about something someone else says, and phoebe just repeats what the first person said. louder. it's so awesome.

on further reflection, this is when i usually decide that my obsession is out of hand. "oh, it's so funny when phoebe does that!" as if she's a real person, or something. in college, there was a billboard for hacienda that said "monica and chandler shouldn't be your only friends." and i was always like, HEY. too close to home, guys.

at the apple store... thanks, apple store guys...

b: [holds out vintage ipod mini, sadly]
asg: oh, you need support. [well, i did.]

basg: well, how big's your hard drive now?
b: forty gig...
basg: oh. wow.
b: well, at the time, you could pick forty or eighty. and back then, i thought - who could EVER need EIGHTY gig of hard drive?!
basg: well, the future you, apparently!

[that was BEARDED apple store guy. beards are back! especially in the apple store!]

also, hey, let's live like presidents! becauuuuuse, you know, presidents have their own cologne and shopping sprees and jewels and things. although, here's the problem with the fake news - i clicked on this because the podcast said that the package includes a PUPPY. and i was like, a puppy! wow! but, no.

first post in forever, and it's random and trivial? well, yes.

"it's like college, with guns!"

"tell your friends about it! you were in the belly of the beast! where the man lives!"
- my brother, on our reactions to visiting him on the army base.

we did spend a lot of our time being like, huh. so this is the army. interesting.

there's a sign there that says "no hat, no salute." it took me a while, but apparently when you're in that particular covered walkway, you don't need to wear a hat, nor do you need to salute. it's not, like, you can't salute if you don't have a hat.

i recently discovered that you can take contact solution on the plane. like, a big bottle of it. did everyone know this? it's totally changing my life. and it bears on the rest of this story.

i got to the airport really early this morning, and i went up to the southwest counter and was like, "hey, would it be helpful if i got on an earlier flight? like, does someone need to be on my flight?" and i was about to tell them about all the grading i have to do, and how i could do it there or at home, and the lady goes, "um, you were supposed to fly out yesterday?" and i was like, oh. so, never mind that.

please ONLY fly southwest from now on, guys. they didn't charge me for missing my flight and having to get on another one. and i still got home earlier than i was supposed to.

but then, going through security:
b: [holding bottle] this is contact solution. is that going to be okay?
security guy: [all flirty] well, seeing that it's you, i guess it's okay this time...
b: aww, thanks!

wait a second. did i just flirt my way past the TSA? i don't think i'm okay with that.

[i'm not trying to be all, "ohhh, i'm super hot. even the TSA can't resist me." but really, it was weird.]

--

and, some things i've been saving up for you all.

"chivalry is merely mortally wounded."
- guy on plane, helping with bags.

"they have the best salad in the fucking WORLD."
- southwest guy, at potbelly.

thoughts on this last one:
1. well, he should know.
2. best salad in the FUCKING world? or the non-fucking world? i'm just asking.